"Disease to Please"

The other day I was listening to Oprah who was being interviewed by Dr. Oz.  He asked her about the things that cause her to be at peace during this time in her life.  She said she got over a horrible disease a number of years ago…this disease was, “The Disease to Please”.  She talked about her want and desire to please other people in a way that sometimes placed her own needs on the back burner or are even tossed to the side.  I was so moved that I could completely relate to this woman who is exceedingly wealthy, loved by America, and we all know she got our first Black President elected. 

How could I relate?  It makes sense that as children we desire to please our parents and friends.  But after that, I spent even more years trying to get straight “A’s” in college.  Could a “B” have been good enough?  Ensure that my child had everything including a mother and father at home when I might have done better just being a single mom (talking about first marriage- just want to be clear).  Taking jobs with long, arduous hours because the eyes bulged at the dollar signs when more family time was what was needed.  Hiring friends to work in my company when someone from the outside was more qualified.  Going to a particular church because that is where the family went when I knew it was time to go.  Attending family functions out of obligation when I was uncomfortable or needed to take care of my own family.  Did I have to have a bigger, single-family house, or was not the townhouse large enough?  I am not throwing the Beemer in there because that was all about my pleasure J !

Yes, though I did not understand what my ailment was, I realize now that I suffered from that “Disease to Please.”  But like Oprah, about 5 years ago I began a self-cure.  I began to ask myself, “Who am I doing this for”.  If my answer was not Franklin, Nyjai, Quortney and Jeannelle, I adjusted what I was doing.  I began to focus on true relationship building inside and outside my family.  I sought out those individuals who wanted my friendship, love and where committed to the process of being true to themselves and me.  I stopped chasing those who were not chasing me.  We have to have a mutual desire to be involved in each other’s lives.  I gained a group of friends and family members who allowed each other to live without judgment and scrutiny of every level of life. 

It is refreshing to be with women and men who desired to uplift one another, cheer each other on, cry with one another, encourage one another, provide true and honest feedback and advice.  They are the people who contact me in some way every week.  They are the ones who allow me to cry when I miss silly things like Chipotle.  They cry with me when I am not sure I am a great mom or a family member passes.  They tell me to stop being used when others try to deplete my recourses.  When I almost fall back into my old ways and habits, they reel me in like a big mouth bass…LOL!

It is not horrible to want to and attempt to please others.  But when doing so causes you to lose the essence of who you are or causes you stress and unhappiness, it is time to look for a cure.  Sometimes, people make it easy for us to cure the disease, but because we are so wrapped up in them, we do not see that they are toxic or giving us a way out.  It is impossible to please toxic people with issues they won’t even admit they have. 

I do not regret that I got the “Disease to Please”.  I actually learned a great deal from it.  Not to mention, I realize I helped a number of people become successful as I suffered from the “Disease to Please”.  I am glad however that I am cured. 

For me, I changed my circle of influence and cured my “Disease to Please.”